Not good enough

Over the weekend I saw a friend who recently, during a very recent conversation, proclaimed that he had a better life than me.

Upon him showing up, I had to resist the urge of shutting him down by coercing him to a local wine bar and subsequently the next day to a diner, where I ordered my prime-rib steak.

Then I felt better.

A lot of times I am made utterly shocked of what people utter,

not because of the extent of its obniciousness, but  its trufulness.

Soon enough, I realized its difficult to agree with others.

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This a real world and its all about give-and-take.

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You’ve been on my mind

Westwood, at the creamery,  I tasted the vanilla ice cream cookie.

We talked incessantly.Two hours, standing at the cross-streets traffic lights looking deeply into each other. An hour sitting at the coffee shop night breeze coming on my face. Our faces, we were laughing and I almost choked. Our chemistry, not at all sensual, but highly intellectual.

I am not sure if thats intriguing enough. But I do think about you, during long days in desert and cold nights sleeping alone.

One is the loneliest number.

He walked into the house and grabbed the suitcase. His slender figure. We drove away. His words and sentences brief.

I wonder if you have anything else to say? Anything else. Do I always misunderstand your emotional eyes.

my plan, our plan

Career: If I wasn’t to be creative,  a career will not come through. You’ve got to do the right thing in order to make the cut.

State of mind:  Age 21, about to go out the world and make a living for myself.  Work hard. Do whatever you can to achieve your goal.

Marriage: when the summer comes along, I’ll move up to where we met and fell in love. I guess that its time to get married so we could move forward.

Friends or foes: interpersonal skills put to test. You never know how you are putting your impressions, and what sorts of reactions you’d be getting from people.

Keep the balance and keep going.

- just a note of encouragement for myself.

A new year.

The list of songs I listened to two years ago:

1) Lowlife- scanners

2) Lazy eye- silversun pickups

3) submarines

4) M83

5) Asobi

6) The shins.

I played these songs and bands repetitively and obsessively in my car’s radio. It was out of self-pitiness. And a desire to be extraordinary.

A friend of mine is in Paris, now, and just getting into the music genre that I used to adhere to. And most of all, it was odd. Because she got hooked on the Virgin Suicides.

It is like she is living my life from the past.

This year starts with a cold reality. I have to find an internship in no time,

which means, cutting back on being nostalgic.

A list of songs/bands that comfortably fits my vibe of the year, yet not to be too excessive:

1) CCR.

2) Sweet Child of Mine.- this song pops up in my head a lot.

3) human- the killers

4) Lynard Skynard

Good oldies. I like it being nostalgic and reminding me of Josh falling off to the bushes on New Years party. Sometimes life offers the most annoying moments as part of the precious memory.

My tastes in music and lifestyle slightly alters by year. I hope that is the sign of learning and maturing by time.

The Anniversary.

It was the second year, September 20th-something, since he first asked me out.

We were going to a local community during that year, it sits on top of the hill with winds always blowing, cold,

and we had been going to that gloomy place for a little while before we met each other.

That was the year when I was working on my internship and UC application, life wasn’t easy for a 19-year-old; besides, I just ended a short relationship with a guy, but was quite trying to get over the immature pain.

He was taking this political science class with me, on MWFs there was this weird and ambivalent chemistry in the class. And on TTHRs we had class right across the hallway from each other. So I saw him pretty much everyday.

It was weird how I fell in love. Somehow his bright blond hair looked super artificial and naturally would catch my eyes. On the crowded hallway I’d always spot him. He looked different back then, moodier, weirder, and less certain, with about everything.

I believe I looked different, in the same metaphorical manner. I bet people saw me as a porcelain china doll, quiet, study machine, grade grabber, and a fob.

Its been two years since our awkward, first date. That afternoon at the library, sitting across him at a table, I felt like it was a meeting between two aliens who just landed earth for the first time. We felt so wary, uncertain, nervous, yet hopeful.

German people wrinkle fast. His eyes look wearier and wrinklier compared to two years ago.

But I am quite certain he looks at me differently. Sometimes it is of dominance, affection, control, and jealousy.. too much of everything.

The locket he gave me before he left for the Navy is laying in my drawer. Handwritten letters, airplane and greyhound ticket receipts. More than a thousand pictures have been taken.

This two year has been a long journey of learning. So far, OK. If you try to look at it as two different people conciliating their differences. And they are not quite giving up yet.

Lunar Follies

It’s September.

I am moving into a new townhouse, one in which without good insulation. It gets so hot during the day. In the 15 and 10 aquare feet room, the temperature goes up to 87 degree, and stays that way.

I am also adopting a kitten, one with the golden hair.

UCLA made non-attractive.

I am sitting at UCLA Powell Library at this moment,

for the past hour I was emotionally abused by 405’s traffic jams,

and two hours and half ago throughout the span of my life I have somehow missed my first class.

This have happened for the second time, but its also the second meeting of the class as well.

Coming to this school does not seem like an experience of dream-come-true,

instead I feel like in the morning I am forced out of my bed to drive along a hell-trail that leads

me to a three-star town for two hours, for twice a week, which is awful,

and its worse than having to live on the street in the Bevery Hill. I mean, at least you get to lay down the whole time, and the city street doesen’t look that bad after all.

How do human beings react to external negativity and psychological solititude.

I typically don’t like revealing too much of details on a blog.

But recently it has been a drag.

Sometimes I wish I have not taken Cal 2 during a six-week session,

I mean, I would rather be in an Abnormal Psychology class, where I could indulge my thoughts

of dissecting human motivations and behaviors.

My parents were planning on visiting me, yet some how, sometime during the past few months

they cancelled the trip. It has been a bad timing, my grandpa is sick, the economy is running down,

and several typhoons hit Taiwan during the past month.

I did not get notified of the cancellation until two days prior to their supposedly arrival.

As usual, relationship wise it has always been abusive and ridiculous,

where every phone call accompanies arguments and stomach ache.

On the other hand, I saw something on the World Wide Web that only proves the world is small and

technology has been only too advanced. Or maybe I simply have too much potential to become a CIA agent.

I soon noticed my declined mental health and the significant increase of emo time-lapse during regular days.

Things are getting bad, and Diet Red doesn’t even help anymore.

Pray that soon after the finals, the ambitious and strong-willed myself will make a neat come-back.

Escalating Commitment, a managerial jargon that applies to all.

I wasn’t too concerned about having a crappy relationship until about a while ago,

when I witnessed how a few of my friends successfully self-healed after a breakup.

There are some lame reasons for keeping a relationship, as follows:

1) We have been together for so long. (and the total incidents we have gone through just outlast the fact that we are not happy anymore)

2) But its ok because we don’t live in the same city. ( I could just stay busy and ignore the fact that we are not happy with each other)

3) I am afraid I might miss him to death. ( There may not be another person who would put up with me than he had).

I saw a very good friend of mine this weekend, who previously made a critical decision in his life and shoved off inconsistency in other related areas. I am not sure if I see a happier person, but there is definitely more lively energy overall.

In a lot of ways, having a stable relationship is like, being stabilized and dead. The worst part takes place when your partner has been less and less appreciative of you. This is the new realization I am getting in these days. Or maybe not just in these days, it is long overdue.

Summer Heat in the OC

It is all about the transition period.

I took a ten day vacation to Norcal, an area I used to call home,

the little town looked quite strange in my eyes.  Hard to imagine I lived there for two years, with

quite a portion of memory supposedly registered in my mind.

It is summer and now I am returned to Orange County, a place now I refer to as home.

A year ago I was all horrified and estranged, but now you do believe people adapt to change.

It is blazingly hot and dry in Irvine. Beaches are five minutes down the street. The Surf City is only two towns away. During the day going to classes will be the last thing on people’s mind.

A couple of people I know have graduated and gone. I heard some wedding for random couples taking place in these days, the month of June. There are also a few couples broken up and moving on.

On the other hand, I have become such a boring person, I mean, with the help of Calculus.  I have settled for being a full time student and a responsible one. That is all about it. Work is kind of dragging me down though, which withholds me from spending too much time on even ranting.